Depression sucks. It is stealthy and deceitful. It lets you believe you are rid of it, when in fact, it will pounce on you when you least expect it.
There I was one day, feeling good about everything. I stood up on a stage and told my monsters I no longer fear them. I have people who love me, who care for me, who support my battle in their own ways. At least that’s what I wrote. At least that was what I told myself. And, I believed that was enough.
But, no, because the next day, I found myself in that dark pit again. Tentacles that threatened to suck through my skin held on tight to me. Sharp claws left marks on my wrists. I was drowning again. Drowning in the mire that started in my head. Drowning in the deep-seated sorrow I could not shake off. Drowning in the heaviness, even if there were no weights tied to my ankles to bear me down that I could see.
I was helpless. And, this followed a day when I thought everything was going well in my life. This followed a day when I thought I was on the right path. This followed a day when I proudly proclaimed myself a mental health warrior. This followed a day when I was convinced I was winning the war.
It’s silly really, because it was all triggered by a missed breakfast and a bath. My depression hit back at me full force because my husband thought it was best to let me sleep in instead of waking me up. I haven’t been sleeping well few days prior to that day. My depression immobilized me and sent me to my knees because my husband ate breakfast without me. He used to wake me up so we could eat together and start our day right. My depression punched me right in the gut because I woke up to the sound of my husband taking a bath without me. We have been taking baths together since like forever. My depression sent me reeling back to my bed, so I could burrow in the sheets because my husband was stepping out of our house without me. He has been taking me with him to work and to road trips, so I won’t have to be left alone; so, I won’t have to be alone with my thoughts.
So, you see, I scream inwards at the audacity of people who think people like me are just making up the reasons for our depression. My brain rebels and shouts at how others believe we are just asking for attention. Our sadness is substantial. Our depression is rooted deep inside. We do not know when it will rear its ugly head to mess with our lives. We are powerless when it overpowers our thoughts and make us think of suicide. We are defenseless against its strength that makes us hurt ourselves. We lie impotent when it unleashes our demons and make us lash out at the world. We are weak and its mercy, even as we try to put up a fight.
Depression sucks. It snuck up on me and made me lose myself again. And, I bet others like me were unsuspecting, too, when it snuck up on them.
*Featured image courtesy of Saatchi Art on Depression*