I can feel them creeping
into me again –
these ugly thoughts
that make me want to
draw into my skin and claw
my way into the veins that hide within.
For some reason,
I can see knives
Dig deep into my neck again –
Severing my carotid artery,
Making me bleed
Like a pig brought for slaughter.
I know I shouldn’t have these thoughts
In my head, anymore.
I should get rid of them
As soon as I am able.
But, they’re there.
I could not stop them from coming.
It’s an illness I could not
stop myself from contracting.
It’s embedded within my soul,
hiding within my heart,
and taking root inside my brain.
I often say I am a warrior.
Well, I guess I am.
Every day I fight the war
of not giving in to the illness,
to the demons inside that’re
telling me to end it all.
They’re whispering in my ears
that ending everything is just so easy.
All I must do is act on my thoughts
and to finally face the darkness
that lurks in my dreams.
All I need to do is to decide.
I can either slit my throat or both my wrists
or overdose on the medication
that were ironically prescribed
to help me heal.
I’ve got anti-depressant, anti-anxiety,
and anti-psychotic meds –
surely, they’d end my life
if I’d deign to take them all,
in one final act of resolve.
But, no, I am a warrior.
I can still hear birds chirping around me.
I can still taste the espresso
in my iced caramel latte.
I can still revel in the smell
of the new book, I am reading.
I can still hear the laughter
of the young girls loitering the mall
in their PE uniforms.
I can still marvel at how the fluffy, cottony clouds
are trying to hide the azure blue of the sky.
Once in a while, I’d see a flock of birds
Flit their way through the air
and they helped me realize
that I could choose not to be alone.
I could accept help from people who care
about how I really am.
I don’t have to face my demons by myself.
There are other warriors out there
who are willing to be part of my battle.
All I need to do is to be open to the reality
that there is nothing wrong about seeking help.
There is nothing wrong about
accepting support from friends.
Life can still be beautiful
if I allow it to be.
My heart can continue its tireless beating
if I choose not to end it.
I am a warrior.
With your help, I will rise above it all.